The Malala Report: September 2015

Of course that makes for a much less sexy song, and I'm fairly certain it wouldn't make as much sense having a lot of tuxedo clad men carrying around Marylin if she was singing about crocheted cardigans and meatloaf but I am here to tell you that I'd take a grandma over a diamond any day.

I didn't know what to expect about this whole grandma business when I encountered my first. Grammy Bond was at my bedside non stop my first days in the hospital. Every time I looked to the side of my isolette there was Grammy keeping vigil at my bedside and staring at me. She sighed if the nurses took too long when I was crying, or didn't fix my bilirubin glasses, or pretty much didn't attend to my every little squeak. I thought boy, this lady is all about my customer satisfaction. Even mom took breaks to pump and eat, but Grammy must have been in camel mode or had a catheter because she never took breaks.

Then the next time she visited she gave me my first taste of being held ALL DAY. I didn't know life could be so amazing. Why would I EVER want to go back in a bassinet when someone is willing to cuddle me for 24 hours straight? Once she did this Mom had a hell of a time trying to get me to sleep in my bassinet on my own. Once I had a taste of the good life, I wasn't going back.

Then I got excited because Mom and Dad also mentioned a Grandma Simpson. They said I'd have to wait to see her because she was coming when Mom went back to work. But she came out for TWO whole weeks and took care of me when Mom decided to put a shirt back on and leave the house for 8 hours a day. She knew just how to hold me and soothe me when I was in a terrible mood, something Mom and Dad never bothered to learn (In their defense I do change my mind daily about how I like to be soothed and just what the problem is when I'm crying). She also took care of Mom and Dad by helping clean and making them dinner. They were sad to see her go, but we made plans to reunite for Christmas.